BECAUSE I REALLY TRULY DESIRE TO BE CONTROLLED. The biggest problem with this is, that there is a true rebel inside of me whom has never been able to be tamed, No matter how deeply the desire to do well and obey that rebel peeks its head out and takes over. The issue with this is that i do not wish to in any shape or form Disappoint my Sir the thought of His disappointment doubled with Him being inconvenienced by interrupting His day,with having to stop and correct and/or punish me weighs heavy on my heart. It is my true hearts desire to be pleasing to my Sir, to be someone whom He can be proud of.
Not following the rules and orders of my Sir does not accomplish this. When His tone changes and i can hear the disappointment in his voice i can almost see the look he would be giving me it breaks my heart it is all i can do not to cry. When my Sir sets down guidelines and rules He has them in place for a reason, when i do not follow them it is disrespectful to Him and the time He took to put them in place. i am not sure why i have such trouble in relinquishing control, i just know that is my hearts desire to be obedient. i do know i am going to work harder at being what i know i can be for my Sir.
i do not want him to release me, to give up on me. i know i can be a challenge, but i also know that i have got it in me to be a very obedient submissive. i just need to let go and be open to the changes he is trying to make to assure i accomplish this. i need to learn that when i am in control things never turn out very well therefore it is important that someone else make choices for me. Smoking for me is not a good choice, i have COPD this is why Sir has set down the rule that i smoke every 45 minutes so that i can begin to let them go and quit altogether.
He does not want to me to smoke pot without permission and i have done this a couple of times. i need to learn that i am no longer allowed to do what i want when i want. i have done so for so long that this is proving to be very difficult for me. my Sir asked me what he needed to do to get it through to me that i am no longer in control, that i am not my own boss any longer. i am quite sure that when i am truly in His presence i will learn this very quickly. That is why i think it important that we meet sooner rather than later.
When i am being defiant its not actually me in control it is that pesky rebel, when the rebel comes out it as if i am no longer at the wheel just merely a shocked passenger. i can feel the struggle and fight going on within me but it is usually the rebel who wins out that has the louder voice. Then when it comes time to fess up and be honest about my discretion the rebel tends to push me under the bus to disappear, Then when asked why i did such things i am left speechless and tong tied. Do i think that this should excuse me from consequences? No i do not but rather i think i should be held accountable in such a way that it reaches the rebel inside of me.
I think that is why it is very important for me that my Sir does not let things slide, that he hold me accountable for all of my discretions. i know i really want to work toward being a better me and putting that rebel finally to rest. i do not want the rebel in control of me any longer, i want my Sir to be control. i want to follow His rules and guidance, and be a pleasure to Him. i want to be obedient for my Sir rather than disobedient in doing what i want.
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