about my submission

As I look back on my life, I have always been a people pleaser. I have always felt better when the people around me were comfortable and had their needs met. My father had a very Dominant personality, and always demanded nothing but my best in everything. I was always striving to do anything to make him proud. As my Father passed on, I found myself empty, as I grew and began having relationships I would find myself with men whom were demanding and almost impossible to please. This continued through out my adult years. When I was in my early 20's I met a man that changed my life and made me crave something that I did not understand. I remember those familiar feelings of needing and wanting to please come rushing back and this too confused me. He added a twist that I did not expect, He punished me when i displeased him, or broke a rule he had laid down. Without knowing it I had my first taste (no matter how unhealty) of this lifestyle without knowing what it was. He started out as using anal as the utmost punishment for severe offences. It went as far as making me sit in the livingroom floor with my back to the T.V. while he would watch one of my favorite programs, to standing me in the corner, or a sound spanking with a belt. I did not understand why i craved this sort of attention and why it felt so comforting to me. So i would run from it, I would stay away weeks sometimes months at a time. I would start another relationship, and it would be missing what i had come acustom to. So no matter where I was, I would find myself calling Him begging Him to forgive me, and let me come home. He of course would with consequences to my behavior. Finally in my, ignorance of what I was, and my inability to accept that it was ok to have the feelings that I had He let me go. I stayed out of relationships for about 2 years when I had met my first husband, He was very vanilla and very abusive, it lasted for the longest 5 years of my life. A very good friend of mine took me by the hand, and sat me down He told me all about this wonderful lifestyle, He was tired of seeing me bounce from unhealthy relationships. He introduced me to the castle realm web site. I began reading, I soon realized that being submissive is not a feeling but a need, A need that is rooted deep within your soul and in your makeup as a person. That it is ok to want to please a man, to be there for him in all his needs, and it is ok for me to feel the need for correction when I fall short of being the best that I can for him and a safe way to do it. I will always be submissive, in or out of this lifestyle because it is part of who I am. I choose to want to give my gift to a man who knows what it is that I offer, one who will cherrish it, nurture it, and help it grow into something beautiful.