Heart Broken

All day yesterday i tried to get a hold of Sir, i may have called a little excessively, as i was trying to let Him know i had a ride to bring Him somethings i know he needed. Well as it often does trying to do a good thing turns bad. When i finally did get to speak to Him He just simply said,"call me afternoon tomorrow we have to talk." All night long i worried knowing deep in my heart what was about to transpire.

As i woke in the morning, my thoughts went straight to Sir, i picked up the phone...damn only 10:30am. Glancing down at my husband sleeping soundly, i decided to pour myself a cup of coffee "maybe that will ease my nervous stomach". As my husband woke at 11:00 am i barely cared if he got his breakfast. Looking out the window the sun shining happily through the trees making the now golden leaves shine as if they had diamonds on them should have made me at least smile, all i could do is look at the time. It was now 12:00 pm i shot a look at my husband wondering if he was ever gonna go shower. Finally what seemed like forever, (it is funny how 3 minutes can seem like 3 hours when you are anticipating something good or bad.) Hubby finally goes to jump in the shower.

Picking up the phone, hands trembling, knowing and not wanting to hear what i knew was gonna be said, i swallowed the knot in my throat, as my stomach did that nauseous flip. Thumbing threw the contacts ahh ok there is his number. i call he answers, God do i love his voice....He tells me that i called to many times yesterday and that i was being insubordinate and he would not tolerate it so he was releasing me. At that moment i could feel my heart break the pain was so severe it was gut wrenching, even though i pretty much felt that was what was gonna happen...i could not stop the tears they cascaded down my cheeks as if they were waterfalls.

"No please Sir do not release me i begged," i did not tell Him the reason i was calling was to bring Him food and smokes ect..He would have considered it an excuse. My heart was destroyed. i could feel it crumbling like an oreo cookie in my grandsons 3yr old hand. "Please do not give up on me" i cried He said He would not release me but we would start at base level as friends.

i have to say it is killing me not to talk to Him, i already feel that maybe this lifestyle is not for me after all. i thought that i had finally met the Dom that was not going to give up on me. i was allowing my self to finally let go i was slowly letting control go...after the way my husband got out of the lifestyle, was very hard for me to do. To open myself up for that rejection and pain.


i really hope and pray that He thinks about it, and reconsiders and does not give up on me. i have kept to the rules of smoking and toking, i have not been able to talk to him so i have refused any offer to smoke pot and have kept my cigs at one an hour. i do understand now about conditioning, my mind still wants to follow His rules as if He is still in place as my Sir.

My heart is sooo very heavy it feels as if it has and anvil sitting on top of it. i feel so very lost at the moment, i want to hear His voice. To just hang out on the phone and hear about His day. If He decides that He is done, then i do believe i am done. i will go back to living vanilla with my husband and forget all notions of this lifestyle.

my true desire..

As i sit here staring at the blank screen....Thinking of reasons not to defy my Sir, The biggest one comes to mind....
BECAUSE I REALLY TRULY DESIRE TO BE CONTROLLED. The biggest problem with this is, that there is a true rebel inside of me whom has never been able to be tamed, No matter how deeply the desire to do well and obey that rebel peeks its head out and takes over. The issue with this is that i do not wish to in any shape or form Disappoint my Sir the thought of His disappointment doubled with Him being inconvenienced by interrupting His day,with having to stop and correct and/or punish me weighs heavy on my heart. It is my true hearts desire to be pleasing to my Sir, to be someone whom He can be proud of.

Not following the rules and orders of my Sir does not accomplish this. When His tone changes and i can hear the disappointment in his voice i can almost see the look he would be giving me it breaks my heart it is all i can do not to cry. When my Sir sets down guidelines and rules He has them in place for a reason, when i do not follow them it is disrespectful to Him and the time He took to put them in place. i am not sure why i have such trouble in relinquishing control, i just know that is my hearts desire to be obedient. i do know i am going to work harder at being what i know i can be for my Sir.

i do not want him to release me, to give up on me. i know i can be a challenge, but i also know that i have got it in me to be a very obedient submissive. i just need to let go and be open to the changes he is trying to make to assure i accomplish this. i need to learn that when i am in control things never turn out very well therefore it is important that someone else make choices for me. Smoking for me is not a good choice, i have COPD this is why Sir has set down the rule that i smoke every 45 minutes so that i can begin to let them go and quit altogether.

He does not want to me to smoke pot without permission and i have done this a couple of times. i need to learn that i am no longer allowed to do what i want when i want. i have done so for so long that this is proving to be very difficult for me. my Sir asked me what he needed to do to get it through to me that i am no longer in control, that i am not my own boss any longer. i am quite sure that when i am truly in His presence i will learn this very quickly. That is why i think it important that we meet sooner rather than later.

When i am being defiant its not actually me in control it is that pesky rebel, when the rebel comes out it as if i am no longer at the wheel just merely a shocked passenger. i can feel the struggle and fight going on within me but it is usually the rebel who wins out that has the louder voice. Then when it comes time to fess up and be honest about my discretion the rebel tends to push me under the bus to disappear, Then when asked why i did such things i am left speechless and tong tied. Do i think that this should excuse me from consequences? No i do not but rather i think i should be held accountable in such a way that it reaches the rebel inside of me.

I think that is why it is very important for me that my Sir does not let things slide, that he hold me accountable for all of my discretions. i know i really want to work toward being a better me and putting that rebel finally to rest. i do not want the rebel in control of me any longer, i want my Sir to be control. i want to follow His rules and guidance, and be a pleasure to Him. i want to be obedient for my Sir rather than disobedient in doing what i want.

The Yearning

The Yearning



The blood is flowing.
I can feel it in my veins.
It's rising to the surface,
somehow searching for the pain.
My tears are waiting and hiding
behind my eyes.
Tormenting screams wanting
to hear my cries.
There are voices screaming
inside my head.
I can not feel myself
It is as if my soul is dead.
I can hear the echoes.
They seem to never cease.
They are reaching through
the darkness.
I am grasping for serenity.
I am yearning for total peace

Free

Free

I lay before you, stripped bare in a sense,
devoid of pretense.
My thoughts and secrets revealed,
their intent now known to you, and only you.
I feel open, not bare, mentally and physically
for what I have expressed to you, and only you.
You've seen a side of me hidden for quite some time,
due to fear of opening up, again;
letting someone see my wildest side, my vulnerable side.
My wall has been crumbling, piece by piece, knowingly,
with my own feelings expressed
clearly, concisely, honestly.
Yes, you've seen all sides of me,
and I lie before you now,
free

Article; Disappointment

Last night i upset Sir, actually i really pissed him off. W/we were talking on the phone, He was being serious and i was really, honestly being a total brat, i was disrespectful,in back talking Him and correcting Him. Instantly His tone changed, it caught my attention in such a way that it immediately changed my whole demeanor. my head went down and my hands involuntarily went behind my back. Suddenly my tone became softer and i became more obedient more docile. The words he said became like tiny razor blades cutting at my heart. Honestly i have never had anyone put me in my place quicker.

When he told me i was being dominant and acting like a switch, and that i was not acting very submissive at all. It caught my breath as if he had reached threw the phone and slapped me in the face. He asked if i wanted him to train me as a switch or a Dom, OMG...my heart began to crack, the tears started to slowly trickle down my cheeks. Then he proceeded to tell me he was not at all happy with me, i could hear the disappointment in his voice. He could have beaten me within an inch of my life and it would not have hurt me near as much. And that did it i really started to cry, i had to ask for a second to compose myself.

i am very grateful to him for making me actually feel like a sub...i have not had those feelings in a very long time. i really think i may have met my match!! Have i finally found that someone whom can change this girl, who can tame me? Deep inside if i want to be honest with myself, i think i have.

conditioning

Conditioning is a form of mind control, it is very important for the Master/sub relationship, And for me the part of BDsm that really turns me on. There are 2types of conditioning, that of the mind, and sexual conditioning, which is the control of orgasms i do not understand exactly why mind control turns me on. It could be that i really get off on being told what to do when and how to do it. And the thrill of knowing if i do not do it correctly i will be punished. Physical punishment really has no effect on me considering i am a pain slut. But if you add talking to me and getting in my head with the physical punishment, then you have me hooked. Example..Standing facing the wall waiting for punishment, Master steps behind you and asks why are you being punished, you answer then he proceeds with the punishment, talking to you the entire time, telling you why it disappointed Him ect... this has proven quite effective for me. i love the idea of someone controlling me with just a look or a hand jester. i know it sounds very basic but the basic way usually gets better results.

A very long day

Yesterday, was a very difficult day for me. All week i have been able to talk to Sir either on the computer or on the phone. Well i was hardly able to talk to Him, and to my surprise i missed Him...a lot. It surprised me a great deal, i'm really not that type of person, to become caught up so quickly. There is something about Him, something that i can not put my finger on. He is different from other Doms i have talked to. He excites me, i feel full of life when we are spending time together on the phone. Hopefully i will have enough alone time today to train with Him online. i really think if i upset Him, or disappointed Him, it would hurt me to my heart.