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Sunday, November 3, 2013

Heart Broken

All day yesterday i tried to get a hold of Sir, i may have called a little excessively, as i was trying to let Him know i had a ride to bring Him somethings i know he needed. Well as it often does trying to do a good thing turns bad. When i finally did get to speak to Him He just simply said,"call me afternoon tomorrow we have to talk." All night long i worried knowing deep in my heart what was about to transpire.

As i woke in the morning, my thoughts went straight to Sir, i picked up the phone...damn only 10:30am. Glancing down at my husband sleeping soundly, i decided to pour myself a cup of coffee "maybe that will ease my nervous stomach". As my husband woke at 11:00 am i barely cared if he got his breakfast. Looking out the window the sun shining happily through the trees making the now golden leaves shine as if they had diamonds on them should have made me at least smile, all i could do is look at the time. It was now 12:00 pm i shot a look at my husband wondering if he was ever gonna go shower. Finally what seemed like forever, (it is funny how 3 minutes can seem like 3 hours when you are anticipating something good or bad.) Hubby finally goes to jump in the shower.

Picking up the phone, hands trembling, knowing and not wanting to hear what i knew was gonna be said, i swallowed the knot in my throat, as my stomach did that nauseous flip. Thumbing threw the contacts ahh ok there is his number. i call he answers, God do i love his voice....He tells me that i called to many times yesterday and that i was being insubordinate and he would not tolerate it so he was releasing me. At that moment i could feel my heart break the pain was so severe it was gut wrenching, even though i pretty much felt that was what was gonna happen...i could not stop the tears they cascaded down my cheeks as if they were waterfalls.

"No please Sir do not release me i begged," i did not tell Him the reason i was calling was to bring Him food and smokes ect..He would have considered it an excuse. My heart was destroyed. i could feel it crumbling like an oreo cookie in my grandsons 3yr old hand. "Please do not give up on me" i cried He said He would not release me but we would start at base level as friends.

i have to say it is killing me not to talk to Him, i already feel that maybe this lifestyle is not for me after all. i thought that i had finally met the Dom that was not going to give up on me. i was allowing my self to finally let go i was slowly letting control go...after the way my husband got out of the lifestyle, was very hard for me to do. To open myself up for that rejection and pain.


i really hope and pray that He thinks about it, and reconsiders and does not give up on me. i have kept to the rules of smoking and toking, i have not been able to talk to him so i have refused any offer to smoke pot and have kept my cigs at one an hour. i do understand now about conditioning, my mind still wants to follow His rules as if He is still in place as my Sir.

My heart is sooo very heavy it feels as if it has and anvil sitting on top of it. i feel so very lost at the moment, i want to hear His voice. To just hang out on the phone and hear about His day. If He decides that He is done, then i do believe i am done. i will go back to living vanilla with my husband and forget all notions of this lifestyle.